It’s been 30 months so why such a Tidal Wave of Grief???

Categories: All,Healing,Uncategorized,Walking through grief

I was feeling a bit raw and on the verge of tears all day yesterday.  It was not a bad day by any stretch.  I was out enjoying the gorgeous weather, it was 76 and a perfectly sunny day, I even enjoyed a nice lunch outside which was a real treat.  Yet my heart seemed a bit heavy I brushed it off to my hormones and my impending time of the month.  I had also not slept well the past several nights so chalked some of the “feelings” up to that as well. However I felt as though I could burst into tears at any moment, I was just feeling so sad.  BUT as most evenings around here are, it was filled with the kids activities, homework, dinner, then the bedtime routine.  SO even though I felt like the dam of tears was about to break at any moment there just wasn’t ever an opportunity to let it go and in my exhaustion at the end of the day I was asleep once I hit the pillow.

SO this morning when I woke up I felt okay and did my usual morning routine, time with the Lord (praying and reading) and then I finished up my Refresh talk, got my kids ready for school but realized as I snapped at Bethany my heart was not quite right.  As I said goodbye to my kids then closed the door it was as if a Tidal Wave or Tsunami of pain hit me without warning… the dam broke and the tears began to flow and flow and flow.  I was sobbing and could not stop!  I had not cried like that is a very long time.  I know it’s only been 30 months ( 2 years and 6 months to be exact) which some days seems like an eternity but today the ache in my heart was so tangible and fresh as if it happened yesterday.  What once had been a gaping wound had started to heal.  I could even see a scar begin to form but for some reason today it was if it was cut open all over again.  What was it that caused such a rush of pain??

Maybe it was that I had the sweetest dream about Todd the other night. We were in college and had broken up but were getting back together.  He was so handsome and alive.  He loved me and embraced me in a way that seemed so real!  I realized that I still miss that so much.  I think I always will but for some reason today it seemed especially hard.  Walking this life without Todd has proven difficult most days but today feels down right agonizing!  I thought I was all healed my scar was even fading but I guess like with any loss it never fully goes away.  There will always be memories, things that will cause me to stop and remember.  Some things make me smile and even laugh now quite often but as I looked at some old scrapbooks and photo albums from college and our first years of marriage I was reminded of a really sweet and wonderful time in my life.  Today those memories made my heart ache for the life and love I had.  Oh how I wish I could go back even just for a moment…

Then there is all the evidence of new love around me, whether it is people adding, “in a relationship” or “got engaged” to their statuses.  Or those who have found love at last and are finally walking down the aisle.  I really am very happy for all of those friends and am excited for their new found happiness.  Love can be a beautiful and wonderful thing but for some it is a painful reminder of a huge void of a love that is no more.  I felt that big void more so in the first year or so after losing Todd.  I even struggled with jealousy over others happiness but lately that all had gotten easier so again today the tears of pain and incredible ache in my heart caught me off guard.

Then there is the whole “going out/dating” with other men which I believe has been a fairly good experience and totally healthy. I don’t think God is calling me to be single the rest of my life and it is a desire of my heart to remarry BUT it has stirred up a lot of emotions.  I had it so good and sweet with Todd. He knew me so well, loved and cared for me flaws and all.  We had survived the awkward first dates, getting to know each other, the growing pains in dating and marriage and accepted each other for who God made us.  We made each other better.  I know that relationships like that still exist it is just so different and a bit scary 20 years later!  Starting over again is just plain hard and the world is a much different place!  Not to mention a possible blending of families, making sure spiritual and moral beliefs line up and on and on…I do wish God would just drop the perfect man on my doorstep.  He could totally do that I know, lol!

I have gone back and forth today whether to share this here.  It was therapeutic just writing it out and the thought had crossed my mind that I could “not” publish it.  It is definitely very raw and transparent but I think it’s important to share especially for those who are walking this very difficult road called grief.  I need you to know that even though the more time passes and the more my heart and your heart heals, there ares still going to be days when a tidal wave of grief may hit. There are things for all of us that are triggers.  SO expect it and embrace it.  God uses our tears as a way to help cleanse and heal.  He also uses our pain and loss to minister and comfort others who are walking the road behind us.

Even though my heart began this day so heavy. With every tear I have shed and with every word said, written, and prayed over me has been like healing salve to my aching heart.  So thank you to those who loved me through today with your words and prayers.  They mean more than you know!  That’s another thing.  People don’t expect you to always have an answer to their pain or hurt.  A prayer or just being there to listen, a shoulder to cry on  have been some of the biggest blessings for me.  

I am going to bed now a little less heavy hearted.  Grateful that God once again comforted me with His big unfailing love.  I still have much to be grateful for and those are the things I will focus on.  I have made it through a difficult day but tomorrow is a new day and I am hopeful it will be brighter!

 

“Jesus is Better”, a worship song that has been my prayer and anthem and I hope it will minister to you too…

In all my sorrows, JESUS is BETTER… Make my heart believe!

In every victory, JESUS is BETTER… Make my heart believe!

Than any comfort, JESUS is BETTER… Make my heart believe!

More than all riches, JESUS is BETTER… Make my heart believe!

Our souls declaring,  JESUS is BETTER… Make my heart believe!

Our souls eternal, JESUS is BETTER… Make my heart believe!

 

God help me to believe,  JESUS is BETTER so that I can continue to Live For More!

cassiSig2

 

 

 

 

Author: Cassi Wortham

I am a follower and lover of Jesus Christ, he saved me at the age of 10 but it wasn't until I was 22 that He completely captured my heart! I married my high school sweetheart, Todd Wortham in 1993 and enjoyed 18 years of an amazing marriage, love, two precious children and incredible ministry together!! God called Todd home on August 13, 2011 and this blog is part of my journey to get to the other side of grief. I pray you will find hope, love, joy and encouragement first and foremost in the arms of Jesus and that God will use this blog to help you truly LIVE FOR MORE!!

18 Responses to "It’s been 30 months so why such a Tidal Wave of Grief???"

  1. Ron Posted on February 19, 2014 at 5:28 am

    You so inspire me! Keep fighting, keep living. Dreams do come true. In His holy name, R

  2. Alma Castro Posted on February 19, 2014 at 5:53 am

    Dear Cassi,
    I’m Praying for you tonight. May God stand by his promises and give you strength and comfort and Peace. Love you very much
    Alma

  3. Della Posted on February 19, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    I love you, sweet friend. Here’s a link to that song you referenced: [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTewCIvR7Og&w=560&h=315%5D

  4. Virginia Craven Posted on February 19, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    Dear Cassi, I am praying for you. Hope these words I read this morning in Jesus Calling bring you peace and hope:
    “Then humbly bring Me your prayers and petitions. Your problems will pale when you view them in the Light of My Presence. You can learn to be joyful in Me, your Savior, even in the midst of adverse circumstances. Rely on Me, your Strength; I make your feet like the feet of a deer, enabling you to go on the heights.” (Habakuk 3:17-19)
    xoxo

  5. Jeff Ansell Posted on February 20, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    Hi Cassi – I used to work with you years ago at OSF and for some reason popped into my mind late yesterday. Very sorry for your family’s loss and may the peace of God be with you.

    -Jeff

  6. Ferree Hardy Posted on February 22, 2014 at 3:16 am

    Hi Cassi,
    Tidal waves of grief can hit at any time, especially during the first few years of widowhood. Some widows get really discouraged and upset because they wonder if all their hard work and “progress” has washed away. (It hasn’t!) You’ve expressed a godly and healthy attitude about this painful punch in the gut, and I’d like to share a link to this post next Thursday on a blog round up for February. I hope you don’t mind, but if it might be a problem please comment or email me at WCplace@gmail.com Thanks, and love to you.

    • Cassi Wortham Posted on March 4, 2014 at 7:20 pm

      Thanks for your encouragement Ferree! I so appreciate hearing from you. Thank you also for passing on this post. I have heard from several widows who have been blessed by it which encourages and heals my heart so!

      Blessing and love to you,
      Cassi

  7. Lorraine Posted on February 26, 2014 at 5:18 am

    I wandered to your blog tonight and found this post and all you mentioned … with the tidal wave and heavy heart and that verge of tears that just want to explode … Is exactly where I’ve been these past few days. Thank you for sharing your heart and helping me in this journey of grief. I also discovered that August 13 , 2011 is a date of loss that we share and it was no coincidence that I found this post. And 30 months seems so long yet just like yesterday. Thank you for your ministry.

    • Cassi Wortham Posted on February 26, 2014 at 9:55 pm

      Dear Lorraine,

      Thank you for reaching out, it was very good to hear from you. I am so sorry for your loss and that you have experienced the tidal wave of grief lately as well. Grief is such a roller coaster of emotions and is also very unpredictable! This week for me has been much better, Praise GOD! That is pretty crazy that we share the same date of losing our husbands. I am grateful that you found my blog and that it was able to minister to you. I am amazed at the people I have met who have been blessed by my story, hearing from you and others actually helps minister to my hurting heart and blesses me in return, so thanks again for reaching out. Please keep in touch. I am praying for you now!

      Blessings,
      Cassi

      Ps widowschristianplace.com is a great resource as well

  8. Vicki Mobley Posted on February 27, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    March 9, 2014 will be 2 years alone for me….a 30 year marriage , 8 years of cancer care giving to my best friend and love of my life.
    I still have these tidal waves of grief all the time and continue to try to live and attitude of gratitude for all the love I have had ….I am blessed, more than most!
    Your thoughts and words help me to know I am not alone in my tears and that God loves me always and is there to fill this void. Thank you Cassi.

    • Sue D. Posted on March 3, 2014 at 1:27 am

      Vicki – March 29, 2014 will be two years for me after 37 years of marriage. He, too, was my best friend and the love of my life. There’s not a day or moment that goes by where I don’t think of him. Your attitude of gratitude is commendable. I wish you all the best in your grief journey.

    • Cassi Wortham Posted on March 4, 2014 at 7:18 pm

      You very welcome Vicki!

      I am so grateful my words and experience helped you! God is good to allow my pain to help others. I really is like healing salve to my hurting heart!

      Keep clinging to God and his word. He loves you and has great things in store for you!

      Praying for you now,
      Cassi
      2 Corinthians 4:16-18

  9. Tanya J. Posted on February 28, 2014 at 2:21 am

    February 20th, I came home after having a pretty decent day at work, but on arriving home I felt so down and could not understand why the mood change. I put my lunch dishes in the kitchen and off to the bedroom I went, closing the door behind me, this was about 4:15 pm. I stayed there in bed, under the covers half dressed, not wanting to be bothered by anyone. i really did not understand why I felt this way until the next day February 20th marked 7 months since my husband had passed. Is it possible to subconsciously go into these moments? This is the first time I have had something like this mood change happen so if someone who has travelled the road ahead of me can shead some light I would be greatly appreciative. I am aware that the crying can come at anytime and for no apparent reason, so I keep a pack of tissues in each purse.

  10. Kathy Posted on February 28, 2014 at 6:31 pm

    I came across your blog after reading Ferree Hardy’s last blog. She posted your link. Thank you for sharing. I found myself crying a few weeks ago and it surprised me. My husband passed away in June, 2011. I did not think I would still cry after this long. I have even had a couple friends comment with a “Really?” , when I shared it with them. It is very encouraging to read that someone else also still has a day like that. It helps me to feel “normal”. Keep writing. Kathy

    • Cassi Wortham Posted on March 4, 2014 at 7:10 pm

      Thank you Kathy for your kind reply!

      Yes I too was completely taken by surprise with the emotions and sadness I felt that day. I actually have struggled more the past few weeks than I have in a long time. I am starting to feel a bit more like myself and I think as we welcome Spring my feelings will improve even more. The cold, dark winter doesn’t help my struggling emotions. I am glad to know we are not alone in our feeling as the things our well meaning friends don’t understand is that our world was turned upside down and it will never be the same. They don’t mean to think that way they just have no idea what were going through, really. I have grace with them as I couldn’t understand until I lost Todd.

      I do believe time does help and God heals but our human heart will never forget and I think being gracious with ourselves when we cry it the best thing. It can be therapeutic too!

      Praying for you now!
      Cassi

  11. Sue D. Posted on March 3, 2014 at 1:58 am

    I, too, still find myself experiencing intense times of grieving two years after losing my husband of 37 years. Times of overwhelming sadness. Times of such longing to “go back even for just a moment” just like you. It’s good to know these feelings are experienced by many, that I’m not alone.

    • Cassi Wortham Posted on March 4, 2014 at 7:02 pm

      Sue,

      Thank you for reaching out! I am grateful that we are not alone and can relate to each other. I am realizing that we all handle and process our grief so differently but there are so many common denominators too! We will always miss our husbands and our old life. My prayer is that I will continue to remember the incredible gifts I had with Todd and always be grateful but knowing that God does still have good in store for me! Praying for you now!

  12. Alec E. Posted on May 26, 2014 at 1:34 am

    Tidal waves of grief. That’s the perfect way to put it. Overwhelming and unexpected. Out of nowhere. You wonder when the tidal wave will subside. The truth is, it never does. There will always be a special place in your heart for him. And I think that’s because the pain of grief is rooted in love lost so suddenly. And as it says in I Corinthians 13, love never fails. It is forever. So it stands to reason that the pain will remain as long as the separation is there. But the separation is only for a little while, and compared to eternity it is but a brief instant in time.

    It’s really like childbirth, if you think about it, pain for a moment, but joy awaits you thereafter. The Psalmist captures that moment when we meet the Lord face-to-face: “In Thy presence is fullness of joy; at Thy right hand there are pleasures forevermore.” There is an ecstasy that is indescribable. To know that your beloved husband is in the presence of God where his joy is complete gives you a measure of comfort in here and now. Once you realize this, you can ride the waves of grief because you know he has finally arrived, ever gazing at the beauty of the Lord, the One for Whom he dedicated entire his life and the One for Whom he labored to give a cup of cold water in His name to his very last breath.

    So nice to meet you in Charlotte, Cassi. I know God will lead you through the shadow of the Valley of Death. He will take you beside the still waters and restore your soul. There is a feast that awaits you on the other side, a harvest of souls that find solace in your story as it unfolds.

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