So I have been blown away with how many friends old and new along with my family have reached out to me since the passing of my high school sweetheart, best friend, soul mate, pastor, Daddy to my children almost 4 months ago! The love I have received reminds me of God’s grace which is simply, unmerited favor. I know I have done nothing to deserve or earn it yet it comes and has come often since the moment many of you heard the news and you continue to share with me the moments that you think of me and my children or when you see or hear something that reminds you of Todd or us. The love and support has blown me away!! Many of you are truly being the hands and feet of Jesus, wow!! This has truly been one of the most terrible, difficult and most surreal things I have ever walked through. I still have days where I feel like I am living in a dream, this CAN’T be my life!!
On August 12th we were traveling to Joplin, MO to help with the tornado relief, it was a beautiful day and there was a lot of laughter and great conversation in our van. I was feeling as though I was on top of the world with ministry, marriage, family etc… and then 24 hours later I was sitting in a hospital in a city where that was not familiar wondering if my husband who I thought had had a heat stroke would be okay. Within 15 minutes of waiting my worst fear came true, the doctor told me Todd’s heart had stopped and it didn’t look like he would make it. I knew I had to be dreaming, the doctors words did not register, this was not happening!! My husband so full of life, so full of passion and zeal for Jesus who was in Joplin serving and loving the devastated community just an hour earlier could not be dead! As I faced my new reality and that my love and life partner was indeed dead I thought I may stop breathing myself. I wanted to scream and cry out to God, NO but instead I just cried and held my precious Todd who was once so warm and full of life, love and joy and was now cold and lifeless. I remember thinking how in the world am I going to do this how am I going to make it, I have lived life with this man so long… fast forward 4 months and as many of you who have kept up with me on Facebook we are making it, one painful, small step at a time AND God is still GOOD, I am seeing once again just how Faithful He is! He has taken such great care of me and my children. He has surpassed all my expectations and is slowly easing even my worst of fears!! My kids continue to amaze me with their resilancy, faith and love of life even in the midst of grief and adjusting to our “new normal” which doesn’t seem so normal to ME! So the next time life takes you through something that blind sides you and literally shakes you to the core I pray you can with God’s strength and love walk through the fire, knowing you are NOT ALONE. I know that God is not done with me and my kids yet, He does have a plan in all this I’m just not sure what that looks like yet. So as I reflect on the past 24 mostly beautiful and amazing years of my life I hope you will join me as I share my thoughts, prayers, letters, stories, sorrows, joys, encouragements and more. I am not sure all that God has in store and how He will use this but my hope and prayer is that you will find something here that may comfort or encourage you or someone you know who may be walking down a difficult or similar road.
Oh and as a side note I am not a writer or someone who is good in grammar so for you English teachers and grammarians I will just apologize in advance. This is mainly a place for me to process and share things that I think will be helpful for me and my kids later and possibly for a book somewhere in the future =)
Psalm 9:10 “Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you!”
Thanks for reading and most of all for praying!!
Living for more!